I'll have you know...trying to masturbate while a song about jesus is stuck in your head is next to impossible
and those juicy C cups turned out to be oddly-shaped A's when her padded bra came off.
ugh.. my birth control just came out of my nose. wtf?
i found her turbo button.....if you know what i mean.
I just smoked a bowl while riding a horse. This has been a productive vacation.
its a sex-hate relationship...no love involved
Just saw the first guy I gave head to lose in the french open...some how I feel better that my mistake made it to the same mistake as our relationship, the third round. Don't judge.
just threw up on dog. broke microwave with cheese and spoon. having a bath with my barbies singing final countdown.
before you ask yes i found the absinthe under your bed. ITS THE FINAL COUNTDOWWWWNNNNNN
i'm laying here naked in a pile of empty landshark bottles, is lauren still hiding under the toilet?
New fuck buddy and long time fuck buddy are carpooling home for thanksgiving. #10hrconvoaboutmyblowjobskills
So I think my motto should be "losing bras and dignity every weekend" but like in a really amazing way
I'm intrigued by how his mouth tasted the same as his dick.
You told everybody that you were a dragon and then projectile vomited all over the kitchen.
Neighbor is sitting on his porch looking like he made some terrible life decisions and I just want to be like "I drank half of a handle of peach vodka in a shed last night. I understand" but I think they're swingers so his night probs sucked more.
If you really hate him do what I do: give him an amazing night of unforgettable sex then dump him. You’ll ruin sex for him because new girls won’t compare
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