FYI... At my funeral, it will be your job to throw yourself dramatically onto my casket.
I just googled dawgpound, shoulda seen that pornsite coming
You should swallow it and be like the ticking crocodile. Only you play Still of the Night.
I swallowed your vile semen and you don't know what color my fucking eyes are!?
I feel like now would be a good time to apologize for vomiting in your eye
She crushed my hand with the box spring last time, so it's all good.
Def just threw up beer then brushed my teeth with some randos toothpaste now back to drinkin beer
My house smells like bleach. Also, I do not feel bad about all the stuff I stole from the hospital while I was there.
The beer bottle was sticking out of your zipper and you shook it onto unsuspecting patrons
Fine line between drunken accidental sleepover with your best friend's lab partner and gay sexathon. I did a cartwheel over that line. A CARTWHEEL THAT LANDED IN HIS LAP
People try and tell me I never learn me lesson, well that's a bunch of crap. I asked for Monday off for Superbowl recovery based on my experience last year.
You started pulling out condoms from your fanny pack and threw them at all the couples on the beach
I look at it as community service. He was going through a rough time and I gave him an ego boost. That's how we're going to remember it. I was doing a good deed lol
I'd give anything to be driving a pirate ship wearing nothing but a coconut bra and a grass skirt eating a pizza and watching dolphins jump in the waves. Dreams ya gotta have dreams
PSA Do not blow dry your junk.
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