listen. just hotwire a car, take off the license plate, make up a new one on a sheet of paper and go the speed limit. i do it like, at least 3x a week.
i cant believe i hit a parked car with a pink dildo in my mouth... fuckin epic
omg. he's a virgin strip club employee who's going to college on a ping pong scholarship. this is unreal.
is he apposed to sex in general? or just porch sex?
I can't believe we just used the phrase "jizz to juice ratio" in casual conversation.
I think she just stepped in a piece of mac and cheese, picked it off the bottom of her foot and ate it.
I gained confidence after I found out she was a lesbian. At least that way I could flirt with her and convince her to buy me taco bell after the bar
Although I am concerned about who made the decision to let you loose in a bridal show I am proud to see you in a sombero again.
Dude, did you know, your blood is contaminated with over 17 non-beer fluids?
She called to say her plane was running late and i had 30minutes to get to the airport for bathroom sex
MEAN GIRLS IS ON NETFLIX! I REPEAT, MEAN GIRLS IS ON NETFLIX! THIS IS NOT A DRILL! I LITERALLY NOW HAVE TO CANCEL ALL OF MY WEEKEND PLANS.
I'm drinking apple juice and champagne while watching crossroads..like the classy bitch that i am.
On a scale of "huh, that's interesting" to "holy porn stars, batman". How good?
Definitely closer to "holy porn stars, batman".
I woke up and saw that my last google search was "Bacon neck".
He may have been a dick but he DID give me his Netflix log in. Maybe some good did come of it.
Randomize
