I just jerked it to the same porn two nights in a row... and she says I have problems with commitment...
Im at a party and this guy hitting on me just showed me his 'caution choking hazard' tattoo right above his penis. There goes any chance he had of getting laid tonight.
Well i just learned hong kong is a country...thank you olympics
She woke up laying on my kitchen floor, ketchup bottle as her pillow, in front of my fridge.
the realtor just asked me if i've ever made meth on this property.... i need to do something about my hair
Dude, somewhere around here makes 4loko slushies. I just decided coming home isn't so bad.
There are fucking limits. Jerking another guy off in the bar toes the line.
I'm going to do lines of vitamin c I cannot be sick for halloween
I have so much boob sweat I could bathe a baby
Are you feeling okay?
Right now, not a single thing feels even slightly okay. That hungover.
Found my ex-boyfriend's money stash. Call the girls, we are getting fucked up tonight, my treat.
Are u alive? If u are, you deserve an award.
I aimed for bossy but it came out slutty
The cure for a hangover evidently is not walking around in a costume in the sun towards of park of screaming children
I dropped my slice of pineapple on the kitchen floor and was just staring at it about to cry. It was really good pineapple.
Randomize
