imagine a blue Jetta with an ILLINOIS license plate that read JISLORD..... upon pondering it for 10minutes I came to the conclusion that J stood for JESUS and IF the license plate had enough room it would read "Jesus Is Lord"
Did I tell you that you looked cute last night? I looked at the pictures. I lied.
my dad just said 'either you're lying about your plans tonight or you kids are really lame nowadays'. maybe we should nix the singles saturday slumber party and go to a bar.
You texted the wrong number but that's probably the best call you'll ever make.
While you were in the ER we decided to tailgate in the parking lot until security told us that's not allowed.
When you get home there will be live fish in the bathtub. I did not put live fish in the bathtub.
COOKIE DOUGH CUPCAKES ARE A THING
Did you really just send me a blank text in response to news as awesome as that?
hey dude my crackhead idol just taught me a great way to tie shoes
Also CANADIAN LIPS TASTE OF MAPLE SYRUP AND APOLOGIES. SORRY.
I feel like I should be having more sex dreams of my boyfriend than his sister..
I may be a feminist, but I am not above using my body to distract you if it means I might beat you in a game of scrabble.
We share an apartment, weed and genitals. It's called being practical not in love.
I lost all interest the day she banged that guy in the Amazon parking lot. That's a special kinda whore.
He fucked me while wearing a unicorn horn. I think I have found the one...
walked into my room this morning clutching two empty bottles of sminoff to find my roommate's ultra conservative parents staring at my posters of naked men. fuck parents weekend.
She asked me if I could do that to her every single time. I said nope. sometimes it's better.
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