WTF I just almost got ran over by a fucking cop!!!!!!
LOL you shoulda thrown yourself in front for money. Fucking cops!
Im rethinking drunk tuesdays. Also rethinking ovaries.
Best walk of shame ever. Not only did I not remember his name or the fact that we fucked, they all watched as I tried to get into 3 cars that werent mine
Oh and I threw up on myself...
its 9am. i just got home. spent 6 hours blowing him in a closet last night
just peed on my foot to get a spider off. that lazy.
I woke up with his wallet, but not him. Gold-digging at it's finest.
You act like this is the first time I literally thought I was invisible.
I had sex with her like 200 times, and she was only pregnant once, those are pretty good statistics.
I still have his teeth marks on the base of my penis. You didnt miss much
apparently I crawled into someone's bed and demanded they call me 'big dog' before shotgunning a beer
Last night at the bar you we're seriously going up to people and pushing through them like they were bowling pins and you were a bowling ball
I just put vagisil on my bug bites how do you think my morning is going
Look, I've got a really big car. We just need to put ourselves in it and put some body parts in other body parts.
I'm still trying to figure out who shit on the coffee table. I have confirmed beyond a reasonable doubt that it wasn't me.
It was a good thing I was on the balcony flashing those guys or I would have never seen her skipping to his car
Randomize