You're a big dope. Life is about fighting for what you want, not accepting what you hate.
Why does tequilla always make you text me?
so what if he's got a new girlfriend. the guy i'm fucking has an english accent. i win.
I've been thinking about it and if we ever have a threesome it'll start off with us clothed solely in our matching fur vests
Apparently as I was doing the walk of shame home my dad's date was on her way to hers. hoes come in all ages these days
gave you a haircut while you slept. Please don't kill me.
the creek. my friends left me at a party next thing i know im in a breaststroke relay race with a bunch of randos in the dark
His hands kept asking for sex, but all I could think was "dude, this is going to ruin my high".
I have a cracked rib, no way in hell I'm bottoming for him tonight!
My brother slept till 4, bought a sword, got drunk and sharpened said sword. I went to corporate compliance training. Life is not fair.
SERIOUSLY WHY DOES EVERYONE INSIST THAT THEY NEED TO SEE MY BOOBS
Because there's a shortage of perfect breasts in this world. You should start charging for viewings.
The only person more miserably hungover from the party is the dog, and that's because he ate some balloons
Hey babe! Random question. Do you by chance have the pic of my nipples covered with ninja turtles band aids? Thanks.
Valentine's Day is now to be known as Tacos and Orgasms Day.
Your grandma found me sleeping in my car this morning, and she wanted me to tell you she was going to church... Also, last night was amazing.
I'm gonna be late for work because i decided to masturbate and forgot to put my clothes in the dryer
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