i caught a guy at work today stealing condoms. i let him go when i realized that they were extra small.
so they are in my phone as twin 1 and twin 2. but i forget which is which. did i put them in order of who I hooked up with first, or who is sexier? cause i'm not trying to text the one with the girlfriend
1st off, theyre identical. 2ndly, have i ever told you that youre a huge slut? hope that helps
i really did not know you could catch crabs from a sofa until now
Are you seriously picking mariokart over a blowjob? nott to sound like a bitch but seriously?
You showed the cops outside of the bar your boobs and then decided to go apologize to them. They admitted that the reason they hung out there was because of girls like you.
totally worth getting kicked out for trying to throw my drink on lindsay lohans ankle bracelet.
I shouldn't have to say "get your balls off my counter" on a Wednesday.
Rather than admit to myself he's hooking up with her right now, I choose to believe that he's not responding because he's masturbating to my picture, distraught over his poor choice, and trying to forget about the one that got away with a heavy dose of meth.
I hear the sound of that stray bird you rescued from the kitchen but am too busy drunkenly masturbating to feed it
Right but I don't wanna waste the whole weekend not having sex when we could be having sex
Some poor guy found you passed out in a bathroom stall. Again with your dick out. Looks like you got to rage after all.
I've spent all afternoon taking and editing selfies. The life of a bimbo is truly tiring.
I woke up in a bath tub and my face was sore and it wasn't because of you, I was impressed
you said you couldn't hang because you had to masturbate and feed your lizard
I dont have to work tomorrow im yelling gibberish at squirrels
Randomize
