it was a sick party until you insisted on putting on "that's how I beat shaq"
I give him blow jobs while he watches sports.. how am I not his gf yet??
So, during a 20 minute shower I spent 19 minutes spinning in circles and 1 minute licking the wall, and it was better than sex. I can't wait to do X again.
I drunk madeout with my mom last night. it's guna be an awkward breakfast.
On the bright side I got 500 American Express points paying for the abortion
I feel the need to clarify that I did not show her my vagina.
you should be careful. everyone knows your chances of pregnancy increase by 100 percent when youre the daughter of a religious figure
Ur gonna wake up early as dick tomorrow to do some responsible shit but im the one up at 3 am right now cooking brats soaked in keystone light so fuck your falling asleep ass bitch
I just realized I slept with a guy who used the pickup line "do you have a bandaid? I skinned my knee when I fell for you."
What eyeshadow color says "yes I am at the dentist, and yes I am hungover please don't judge my life choices"
I was gonna start crying but as he was asking me for my info i saw him eyeing my rack. So I sorta started pushing them together. He asked me to get out of the car he made me turn around so he could check me out and then he said and I quote "okay ma'am. Everything is fine, I'm going to let you off with a warning. Next time if you're not wearing yoga pants you might not be as lucky" I am blessed.
Hey man, when I left for work she was laying on the couch naked cuddling your keurig, can you clean that mess up?
That's when I realized I was probably naked in the wrong bed
so... i have a picture of you and three other girls making kissy faces at this giant stuffed banana you're holding. however, you seem to be violently screaming at it.
Those bitches did NOT have my back.
His butt is perfect. Like a twelve on a scale of one to ten. No idea about his personality or anything but that ass... I'm keeping him.
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