Can I come over?
Can't... I'm at class right now.
No your not
I'm outside by your car.
i'm so high i feel like the people i'm chatting with online can some how see that i'm naked.
So I've been thinking a lot since she told me she's prego. But what I want to know is why my voice of reason sounds like Thomas fucking Jane!?
marching band practice is quite the interesting soundtrack to sex
One of my students just said I have "big mommy parts". Even third graders know that my tits are too big. God I love em.
He's coming over tonight...I really wish I didn't have my period right now...
I believe I'm witnessing the first time ever that you wished your period would NOT come....
i am literally watching eva make a trashbag diaper for you to sleep in tonight. whole new level of low for you.
Still drunk just puked in the meat cooler tried to clean it up with ham. Its not working
Why the fuck is the royal wedding at 4am. That is obviously not the most appropriate time to drink during finals. It's like I'm bound to fail, by royal decree.
Wanna tell me why vodka seeped out of the memory foam when I climbed into my bed?
HE'S EATING THE CONFETTI. STOP HIM NOW.
My favorite thing about your netflix account "suggestions for you" section: Russias Toughest Prisons is followed immediately by Strange Sex
I know, it's just the worst. Also, security almost took the burrito I brought for lunch. I thought I was going to have to pull a Liz Lemon and eat the whole thing before I could go through.
He dated a girl who could do the damn splits on his dick like how do you compete with that
What the fuck dude? Now it's a "who is this?" convo going back and forth. Like... helllloooo you just sent me a picture of your penis! I'm entitled to ask who the fuck it is. I can't verify an identity by a body part.
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