how the fuck am i supposed to make breakfast with spaghettios and mustard
i just saw a woman using her birth control packet as a wallet.
and im sitting here waiting for them to work on my car. in a room full of men. that are too old for me. its like a sausage fest nightmare...
she asked me what the final straw was. i had to tell her i caught him jerking off to digimon porn. i don't know what i'm more upset by, that he was masturbating to cartoons, or that he was masturbating to sub-par cartoons
I think he's on the stoner protein diet. I just saw him, at 3 am, spreading mayo on a slice of deli ham and sprinkling salt on top.
I'm watching i used to be fat. I've been doing crunches for the last half hour yelling at the slut on tv to stop crying and do crunches.
scarred for life. way too high and witnessed some chick give a dude head on the dance floor
did you really just send me an instagramed dick pic?
I swear she's a drunk klepto...by the end of the night she had stolen 3 bowling balls. HOW DO YOU STEAL 3 BOWLING BALLS?
You were on shrooms and "the trees are crazy green!" is all you could manage.
I'm a bit offended I got no nudies back but it's whatever
They're in the mail. Snapchats too fast. I want the suspense.
I FINALLY GET TO MASTURBATE. SO EXCITED.
We are all yelling at the cat at our apt in nothing but our underwear. How do you think it's going.
I apologize in advance for the number of sex toys drying on the bathroom sink.
my goal is to never have a bac of 0.0 the whole time while in the state of florida, which means i have to chug a beer before i cross the state line
Randomize
