I thought spray tan was a myth
?
You know, something that only happens in Jersey
i'm stoned. there's a jazz trio playing outside across the street...scared that mike myers will appear & start yelling 'woman...WHOA MAN. WHOOOA MAN.' i'm snapping my fingers.
I just spent the last 30 minutes shaving my asshole.
We've been fucking since Friday.... This is the most committed non-committed relationship I've ever been in
Can I use you as a job reference? Don't tell them i got you fired cause I banged you tho
I should have known I was in trouble when you started pouring shots all over me
is pulling out brownies in the middle of class on 4/20 just too obvious?
Went to bed with a bowl of spaghetti O's on my chest, I make my own breakfast in bed. New level of laziness
I almost put an adult beverage in my sippy cup for the beach but realized the next step would be rehab.
No the next step is being buzzed at the beach. I would've.
Awkward is sitting in your parking spot and making eye contact with every one of your next door neighbors two hours before you have a threesome.
You are lucky that I'm drunk. Otherwise I would bone you into another universe
seriously considering getting an electric blanket rather than sleeping with guys this winter for warmth.
Went on a blind date. Afterwards I ripped my pants off and said "it's game time". He was into it.
She dated an Australian guy or some dude with an accent. Normal guys don't stand a chance.
CHALLENGE ACCEPTED.
It’s official. I’ve hooked up with all three brothers now
You should go after Dad now
I should! He’s definitely middle age fuckable
Randomize
