When the moon hits your eye like a big pizza pie, you're a dumbass
i was watching some porn this morning and i realized i am blessed with a truly beautiful vagina
i just saw a guy carrying a medieval times commemerative glass filled with vomit.. there were 2 people cheering him from behind
There is a guy standing at my bar right now wearing an affliction SUIT. I can't wait on him.
You should be grateful to be my roommate. My booty calls always drive you places in the morning.
puking up blue gatorade is not as nearly as much fun as it sounds
He's got serious oatmeal ass...take a moment and admire how google voice to text was able to detect oatmeal ass....twice
These shoes are like walking on sunshine and labias. So soft and squishy
He asked the clerk if they sell a penis-shaped brander.
Am I the only one that feels like there are hundreds of tiny people having a rave and stomping and kicking around inside my head this morning?
The sun and I are not on speaking terms this morning
No he's here. We were watching Harry Potter stoned as shit and he fell asleep with his head in my lap. I'll figure out what to do with him after Harry gives Dobby the sock.
I dunno what's worse, the fact that I hooked up with a guy that shaves his armpits or that I didn't notice until he brought it up the next day
I literally just told you I found out I masturbate in my sleep. I think we can be snapchat friends again
We're just starting to open presents and I already need a shot. This is gonna be a long Christmas day.
Randomize
