went to sleep on the couch in jeans and socks. woke up in bed totally nude no memory of moving. best farewell party ever
everytime i eat a fruit i feel like i'm eating ovaries
I didn't think it was possible for the human body to be physically dependant on weed until I moved in with this kid
The football player sitting in front of me just googled himself. Only 4 articles came up. That's why he plays at Utah State.
He has a really nice penis but its like a model that wasn't built to scale
your philanthropy is ruining my sex life.
Hung over. Bed full of legos for some reason. Not getting up. Come build stuff with me.
Just high watching the holiday fireplace channel. My space heater lends authenticity to the fire experience. Come over.
The goal for tonight is vagina. In and around. Doesn't matter who. How. Or why.
I called him and he said hell call me back hes in the middle of his kareokee song he was out by himself and his dog
It's going to be weird as hell when you have kids. I'll meet them and think "Hi, Did you know that I was almost your dad?"
I didn't have toilet paper until 20 minutes ago. But I have champagne. Priorities.
I'm tripping pretty hard right now but every time a Volvo drives by I feel like everything is gonna be alright
YOURE ABOUT TO SEE SO MUCH UNCIRCUMCISED DICK
Unless you count my weekly workout where I drink wine, listen to obscure/cheesy records, and pretend I'm a ballerina...no. I don't exercise.
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