It is obvious to me now why clam chowder & beer aren't a good combo.
a cemetary is a place for people to rest in peace and you just spermed all over their land
you made sure you came back for your bottle of vodka but didn't remember to take your shoes
Im pretty sure at one point a very high you yelled, with actual tears in your eyes, "im not wrestling with you anymore, you dont respect my safe word!!"
My hands always smell like pizza crust when im hungover.
Ps you missed quite a show. I was for some reason whipping my hair back and forth and head butted the tip jar. It shattered and now I have a circular bruise on my forehead. All the bartenders hit the floor to get all the quarters.
He was just lying on the living room floor watching Star Wars with six empty pack of cigarettes and two empty cases of beer.
In his defence I guess I did take the bed, couch and dining room set in the breakup.
I would come over if there was not the impending fear of me shitting out my brains.
I feel like he's mythological. Like you just had lunch with the Loch Ness Monster of hotness
it's pretty awkward texting you how much I want to suck your cock when I have my mom on speakerphone.
On my way
Is "I want you to destroy my insides" too forward?
Sorry for cyberstalking your dad.
Like I could never be a lawyer because I would just look like a porn star impersonation of a lawyer.
Yo i still have 5 hrs left of work. I should not be this drunk
thank you for being so understanding of my weak stomach and poor self-control
Randomize
