Just pulled my keys, cell-phone and a pack of cigarettes out from between my cleavage. This one guy's face was priceless.
There are GROWN MEN with fake HP wands flinging curses at me in Walmart.
That's funny. Are they weird looking???
OF COURSE THEY ARE WEIRD LOOKING, THEY ARE STALKING ME IN WALMART. WITH. FAKE. WANDS.
I woke up wearing nothing but 7 partially eaten candy necklaces. Only one was around my neck. Don't even try to tell me I don't need plan B.
Look, if he's not the brother with three nipples, I'm just not interested.
You need a Jiminy Cricket, but for sexual decisions.
I took in his dog. My exboyfriend still calls me for 2 things, blow jobs and animal rescue. I need to end this cycle
Until she magically finds a brain, I'm going to be a dick. Fair trade. She's a idiot, I'm an ass.
Dear Jesus. Send me strength to not suck cock this morning.
I think he's like 40 and maybe a little sociopathetic and i have never been so turned on
Another text to add to the intervention pile, i see
come home. I need you. I'm too hungover to deal with this hangover alone
WHITE RUSSIAN BREAKFAST CEREAL.
Should probably stop going into the gas station to look for the most normal person to hitch a ride with to drive me to a party
I woke up covered in thousand island dressing. I need answers.
Turns out end of the world sex is H-O-T, HOoot! I'll be the only progressive lady smiling today
I told him I want him to read me my Miranda rights while he's fucking me. Act exactly like he does while he's on duty except with his dick out.
Randomize
