I am drinking at a movie theater seeing a children's movie, 2nd time this week
her night didn't end so well, both of her boyfriends got arrested... together.
I just had to blow my nose on a mcdonalds receipt in my car. Its time to stop doing coke.
So recap time do u remember biting that girls hand?
My roommate didn't flush after her miscarriage. Time to drink myself blind. I need you for moral support. Or so I don't have to drunkenly cry alone anymore. Whatever, help.
They're not that bad of drunks, they come back to the vehicle with more stuff than they went in with, so its a profitable venture.
It's been a long time since I got "Talk about Glen's enormous penis" drunk
You were sending me snapchats from a bathtub with your beer helmet on and your boobs out.
In my defense, I haven't stolen anyone's clothes yet.
Yeah, that's a plus.
when I woke up, he was drunk and singing "soft kitty" and petting my face
So, Cheetos don't microwave great.
I need my daily rules like rule one don't put your dick in the vacuum cleaner
Did you get your nipples pierced? I felt something poking through my shirt earlier and I really didn't want to say anything in front of your grandma...
Was not aware that standing loudly up off the couch and loudly, drunkenly slurring "I'M EIGHTEEN NOW BITCHES" counted as a primitive mating call.
it's my fake id's birthday. i'm wearing a hat, and i have a beard. i'm untouchable. TO THE BARS!
Randomize
