She got kicked off the plane and spent the last four hours in a holding cell with the feds.
but she's really nice
we've been at disney 20 seconds and she already got the cops called over
Well we were just driving down the street, there was a realtor and a couple walking up the porch of a house for sale, mark sticks his head out, opens his mouth to say something, pukes all down the side of the car, pauses, and yells "THIS IS A PHENOMAL NEIGHBORHOOD YOURE GONNA LOVE IT"
My broken door handle makes it really inconvient for when i need to puke at red lights.
Just so you're aware, tomorrow is "Slow Clap when you see Mike" day.
You missed lesbians having sex in the bathroom and the whole bar clapping for them. I had to do recon. It was amazing
Okay. But I hope it isn't expensive lingerie. Because I'm ripping it off Hulk Hogan style.
He kept checkin to make sure you were still alive after you passed out on his bed, After like the 4th time he walked back in there you were naked on his bed eating an apple, claiming he needed to be the Adam to your Eve..That drunk..
I just found out the guy that lied and blew me off got arrested, his mugshot is online. Life is good.
Kripsy Kremes at our place, bring your own coffee. And your own donuts because these ones are ours.
Do you know how hard it is to was the scent of sex from your hair in a gas station bathroom?!
Woke up on a lawn chair hugging a bottle of vodka. Hows your morning so far?
I think the cop who arrested me yesterday is at my gym rn should I say hi
Listen gotta draw the line somewhere. Apparently that line is at my nuts.
I just learned that I could drop out of school and spend the rest of my savings on a giraffe are you free this weekend
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