Hashbrowns don't come out your nose as easily as you would think
Can we have fireworks this year or will the ocean explode?
Writing a love song to planned parenthood. what rhymes with "don't have AIDS"
Just found bacon bits in my pocket. Blackout buffet is the best.
Can I just say I love that you have a kegorator on your wedding registry?
Someone touched my vagina when we were out last night. The fact that it was you is inconsequential and I am still counting it as a pull.
The dude at Coffee Bean just handed me my tea latte and whispered, "pomegranate blueberry is such a sexy flavor". With a wink. I'm almost certain that there's an STD floating around in my drink.
I don't know what I was talking about but I just threw up in ikea. You can't get out of this place it's a fucking labyrinth.
Def over. He sent me a nude selfie but cropped it right above his junk. Total Silence of the Fucking lambs looking.
I told the person I was on the phone with to hold on while I looked for my phone. I think it's time to stop doing dabs.
Also, I just opened Google to find the lyrics to California Gurls. Karaoke night did us dirty.
That awkward moment when the guy you were hitting on at the bar last night is a possible suspect in a murder case.
If you come home to me in lingerie and you start vacuuming...I need to reevaluate my priorities
It was terrible. I am sore from head to toe, neither of us got off, and we were at it for an hour and a half, I faked having a heart episode so we could stop. It worked.
The cat just brought me a bottle opener. I think she's my soulmate.
I'd ask how but then you'd tell me.
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