Why don't you ever send me any naked pics
im going to pretend im pregnant so i can eat a lot then i will accidentally fall down the stairs
please stop referring to my baby as "your little fucker"
Oh God! I'm naked from the waist down playing records. Too drunk. I don't even know what to do.
Balls out but with a shirt on. Eating ravioli. I don't know how to deal with this.
You started drinking at 2:30, did you really think you would be able to remember?
I have a fannypack full of condoms and acid. Let's get weird.
You asked me if you had to go downstairs to get upstairs. And then you forgot where you were.
HES DOING PULLUPS BE STILL MY BEATING HEART
Yea we just broke up
so do we start sexting now or later?
We found him flat on his back, sobbing, 'fuck you stars' at the sky. No more everclear for Derek.
Just got a 200 dollar safe, two jars, and a 500 pack of rubber bands.. This doesn't SCREAM drug dealer does it?
...you should fill the cart some more
I have someone saved in my phone as "This Hoe Ain'tit' Loyal" and I'm missing my superman boxers. Explain.
I told him I just left the convent and really wanted a man. He fell for it. Sure beats telling him I'm a nympho stalker that followed him to the bar when I saw his beard.
I will 100% jerk off using my own tears as lube before I'd ever bang a 4.
I almost accidentally threw him out a window during sex last night.
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