There was this creepy guy on the bus. So I puffed out my stomach & began so hold my stomach like I was preggers.
Just saw a girl in a wheelchair puke then rally. Diversity matters.
did all my christmas shopping this morning at 4am drunk. never went to sleep. i was walking home drunk last night when i passed a target and saw 3 kids having a dance off. had to join. somehow they convinced me to go shoopping with them. i bought 4 disco balls and a lava lamp.
I feel like I bought a front row ticket to watch her screw up her life
please remember that your boobs are bigger than your sisters. when you borrow her shirts they stretch and then shes left flapping in the breeze. dont borrow her clothes anymore. love dad.
I took my pants off in the cab and tried to bite his ear. Not going oout for awhile
I admit it's going to be hard to top a limo orgy and Mcnuggets....but I have faith in you
Hey, did you take me to hospital last night?
omg i hate the new neighbors. why cant a bitch just be hungover in peace on a wednesday morning.
got delayed, meet you at the bar soon, found a shopping cart, i am now getting pushed to the bar by some guy that was peeing in the alley i found the cart in
Like I had no idea he knew how to play girls the way he played me. His major is chemistry for christ's sake.
I couldn't get past the raccoon on my porch so i slept on my lawn.
all we have is white fucking wine this is a travesty it's christmas not a fucking funeral
As long as it's before midnight it's cool. But it would be understandable to ring in my new year shitting myself just before I go to Iraq.
When you called me I said did you make it home. You said yeah. Then you said you didn't know where you were. I said you were at home and you said but where. I said you are in the bathroom. Then you said oh, you're so smart lol
Randomize
