I an trashes at a wedding. Hotbcousins here I come. Agh.
I just found out why they dont make table-dance tables out of glass.
1. my parents still have sex. 2. being a screamer runs in the family. 3. so much so that i can tell what number of orgasms she's on. 4.so looks like i'm stuck outside a while
I want him to be my next love. So I'm taking it slow
As in ill only blow him next week
We just filmed our own version of iron chef. The secret ingreient was whisky.
What did you cook with whisky?
We started a fire.
You can't just send the picture of my vagina back to me, 2 months after we broke up, and make small talk out of it.
I'm rearranging all my life goals to become a billionaire by 28 and batman by 30. Not kidding.
he said he'd buy me TWO burritos if I took my shirt off
This guy punched out a light, puked in the sink, stole the mailbox, then tried to tell ME that I had to leave the party... Then his dog shit on the floor.
The woman that sang I Touch Myself died today. There's only one appropriate way to honor her memory.
I'm on the job.
I think I'm crying more because after all these years he never learned to spell you or use a comma properly from me
go for it girl, the world is ur dick oyster
Hold on I'll be right there, I can't find my arm.
i pushed adam in a shopping cart for 15 blocks, then we realized we left tyler downtown
did you go back and get him?
nah we went to a karaoke bar instead, so worth it
Judging from the sharpie on my face, glitter on my chest and women's tiger print panties i'm wearing last night was a thing.
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