The first thing on our $10,000 damage bill was "condoms in the main drain"
i wonder why nobody wants to date me...im doing a crossword at work and asked out loud: whats a 4 letter word for 'a reason to get married?'
i was like PREG?
what if cement was really a rainbow color they just secretly paint it grey so as not to distract drivers
are you high?
So after we got done with our cardiac arrest patient, I thought how awesome would it be to hook up the defibrillator pads to cook a burrito.
dude... how have they not drug tested you yet?
I've grown up since last year. I don't give blow jobs as birthday presents anymore.
who am I kidding I don't have any dignity. Plus we're not doing a porno, we're just doing random things naked
If you would give me the chance we might have the two separate pieces of the greatest fuck puzzle ever.
you cant ever make fun of my bong's stick on moustache again. its the reason the cop let me keep it and my weed.
Tip of the day: Don't ever send a bootycxall at 3 in aftnoon. No one will respond n u'll just feel fooolish.
Stop acting like the Lucky Charms you're feeding people is actually ecstasy.
His baby mama found the pictures of us, she couldn't see my face but she could see my asshole. So I'm safe.
The cop told me I was the prettiest guy he'd arrested in a while. I'm still not sure if it was a come on or not.
My dad told me I would need to be my mom's DD tonight. So, that's how my Easter weekend is going down.
Never joke about your clitoris.
I told him I lived in the apartment beside his brother and he said "oh, you're the girl that watches really loud porn!"
Randomize
