I learned his name tonight. This now makes him a real person. Obviously, I no longer want to sleep with him.
The sign in front of ihop says "designated drivers get half off their order"
I'll always remember you bringing me that pregnancy test in the middle of an ice storm. Best friend ever.
Needs to be more caveman. "Me kill roommate. You watch. Then sex time with our genitals."
Must say, as a couple, she and I are thrilled that our pretend lesbianism has paid off.
also, sleeping with your chipotle guy sounds like a good idea until you want chipotle on your day off and have to look somewhat presentable to acquire said chipotle.
Are you okay?
I went home with a 38 year old guy in a kilt, do I look okay!
I just got a lap dance from a kid in the coconut bra... So not drunk enough for this.
I feel like I spent all day wearing underpants made entirely of poison ivy and sandpaper
After we banged he volunteered to ducksit while I went to work. I think that's true love.
Does puke ruin car paint? Good thing it's raining.
That kid singlehandedly fucked the breakup right out of me. I'm only hooking up with Millenials from here on out.
Do you know how awkward it is to get a dick pic while working at babies r us?
We haven't had hot water in our dorm all weekend. Do you know if there is any other way to wash off shame?
i saved a drunk oompa loompa he was passed out on the lawn and i picked him up figured out where he lived and put him in his bed and wrote his roommate a note
Randomize
