It's like a parade of train wrecks.
i'm so high that my cigarette just tasted like chef boyardee. no lie.
you walked into the kitchen holding the skyy bottle and asked us "how do i warm this?"
i don't think i ever formally apologized for that time i threw up on your dog.... well...here it is...
Listening to my boss get blown in the next room by a male bartender from the gay bar. And watching pawnstars. Tell me I'm not the best wingman ever.
i now officially have to be stoned in order to look like my passport when i go to a different country
I'm currently making some changes in my life. If you don't hear from me anymore, then you're probably one of them. Or I'm dead.
I keep confusing the name of her and her dog. Both are appropriate.
Found a fruit roll up in my pocket this morning. This means my daughter has a peach blunt wrap in her lunchbox.
HOLY FUCK COMFIEST CHAIR EVER
You are hereby uninvited from future Turnt Tuesdays until further notice.
drying my bra with a hair dryer wasn't exactly how I had planned on starting my day.
I was struggling morally, but once I let go, I came pretty hard.
I wore my lizzie mcguire socks to the bar last night. Because that's how i get all the ladiez
Ladies night is a gift from god. If it weren't for that, I'd probably be selling my eggs for booze money.
Randomize
