im going to pretend im pregnant so i can eat a lot then i will accidentally fall down the stairs
I had a dream once that juice was flowing out of my kitchen faucet
You told the cops that they couldn't arrest you because they weren't hot enough to fuck
you know how they say when you die, your whole life flashed before you? well do you get to see what happened all the nights you blacked out?
In debating whether or not it's worth getting out of bed and walking 5 feet down the hallway to go to the bathroom before I puke
make sure nobody uses the downstairs toilet. i like to have an unused toilet for the weekends. dont shit where you puke i always say.
Just saw a guy walking down the street carrying a giant inflatable penis
Just arrived at our party
Nothing motivates a person to clean their apartment like puking up cheese ravioli beer-tequila chicken wings for eight hours.
She was hiding under the bed to surprise me with sex. But when you took your hookup in my room to bang things out, she thought I was cheating on her. So explain it to her douche.
Best part of Friday afternoon drinking? Having ping pong balls thrown into my cleavage.
There is nothing quite so awkward as watching topless bullriding with your mother next to you..
Well, I made it all the way to the gas station. And from there, I begged a cab driver who was parked outside, to give me a piggy back ride the final 2 blocks to my apartment. I wasn't in the cab. Didn't have to pay. Drunk me is smart, and very lazy.
Ladies and gentlemen, the only person I know who would keg stand in pearls and a bow.
Still fucking the ballerina?
She can put her legs behind her head.
Enough said
Wearing my one sleeve dress...thought you'd like to know I shaved ONE armpit lol
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