I just put my retainer in and it tastes like weed
Another one? Damn, how many David's is that?
six.
Oh, I thought it was higher.
No, that would be the Matt's
My dermatologist just asked me, "what happened here?" referring to the bruising on my nipples. I told her I walked into a door. Thanks for that awkward moment.
Yes, I did know where her mouth had been, but frankly I think it was a lesson you needed to learn.
Woke up in my own bed with a "New Years Eve 2011" bar bracelet on. Both of these things confuse me.
I'm pretty sure my moms getting nailed in the bathroom right now while I'm chaperoning. God damn it.
we went from five shot glasses to three in one night. we lost 'badass' and gumbi, but the ninja turtle survived. courtney says to avoid any more casualties we're not allowed to use shot glasses past 1am. and we're not allowed to throw them
Your message cut off at "shit on the floor". Your life is incredible.
He put on a roller derby documentary. It was either bore myself to death watching that or take off my dress. He was very appreciative.
Just got smoked out by my boss. Working in politics is great.
I wore heels to a golf store in hopes of getting laid. I've hit a new all time low.
Someone somewhere has a picture of me vomiting in a bus stop trash can while a drag queen held my hair for me.
Pride claims another victim
this is the last time i am going to a 7am booty call
IT IS NICKEL SHIT NIGHT
*shot. Why
How was it?
Incredible. Everyone in the world should be having the kind of sex I've been having.
He should write a pamphlet or something...
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