sitting in my room eating a boneless rib tv dinner, and listening to taylor swift's love story, and i sharted. had to finish the ribs and hear the end of the song before i went to the bathroom to wipe.
Not everyone can get ass. Some people are good at building rockets. You’re good at sleeping with many men. It’s an art.
im doing shots everytime lil jon says it in the song shots....blackout town here i come
It smells like wine and fried chicken. Im confused and intrigued.
Isn't that the only thing she's good at? Complaining and blow jobs?
Turns out that my surprise "happy birthday" drop-in for my dad turned into a "my parents like afternoon sex a lot" realization.
There's still helium in the tank I found in the garbage outside the bar!
Sometimes you've gotta crawl to stay concious
i’m just listening to christina aguilera’s “your body” on repeat and trying not to pass out at my desk.
I'm proud of you for choosing to be an organ donor on your fake!!
I just walked out of the side door of the bar to come in the front door so no one would know I've been here drinking before our work meeting.
You casually put your finger in my ass and other people are weird..
Apparently I made a chicken patty, angrily took it out of the microwave, walked outside, and threw it over the balcony. #me
Man, I'm real high and googling what all my favorite figure skaters from childhood are doing now.
I just made the most “single life” Amazon order ever: protein bars and condoms.
Randomize
