everytime i eat a fruit i feel like i'm eating ovaries
girl in the front row yawned. double jointed jaw. i know where i'll be sitting next class
I need to stop sleeping with republicans and cowboys fans.
Housing is going to charge us for any broken dishes/glassware. Steal as many glasses as you can from the bars tonight. I got the baking dish and 3 plates covered.
No driving. The car is spinning. I am praying for mcdonalds.
Didn't get laid. But got a free pie from a waitress. A whole pie.
Just tapped my penis on the head and said "this will be your year buddy."
I'm sure you can think of a way to make money.. God didn't give you boobs that awesome to waste them feeding your children..
We got to the second bar and all he kept saying was "I'm on an alcohol safari!" Best 21st birthday ever.
Side note. I love it when I think I've sobered up and then I get a second wind of drunk
Am I not being subtle enough by giving him a rainbow striped bong, during PRIDE MONTH?
It was just...long. I started around 2. And I think i went to bed around 2. So 12 straight hours? I remember a milkshake and frozen grapes.
I dropped a piece of Mac and cheese in the shower and I almost still ate it. Stoned, but not stoned enough to degrade myself.
Is 10AM too early for pizza and Dr. Pepper?
Only if 5PM is too early to be drunk. And when has that ever stopped us?
Must lick fork, like it's a DICK
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