Dude my mom stole all your condoms
someone is gonna have my baby tonight. they just dont know it yet
I'll alert the authorities
so he made me dinner last pm @whch point i askd if i could help out. he hands me his fucking laundry and asks me 2 do it
only you. it could only happen to you.
So you plan on doing double washing machine sex? Like. A double date. But with sex. On a washing machine..?
He made a fake guest pass that was just a note card with "I'm here. Me." written in sharpie, and tried to convince the security guard it was real.
I had to photo shop your nipple piercings. that was extremely awkward.
i was mezmorized. she was the most beautiful girl that looked like a boy i ever seen
I just had sex in the men's bathroom of a Chinese buffet...
YOU ARE MY HERO
We were at dinner and dad asked me to pass the salt and I suddenly remembered doing body shots when I was blacked out last weekend.
Based on the conversation I'm going to assume you didn't close the deal.
It started going awry when I fell through a roof.
Anyone who can sit 4 hours in a doobie circle with their feet in a kiddie pool is ok by me
We're starting to light shit on fire, bring a metal bucket. Be prepared, Jimmy's off his meds.
i woke up this morning wearing my pants as a scarf and my shirt as a daiper, my boyfriends contact name in my phone is "human sacrifice" and yours is "i like eggs"....can someone please tell me what happened last night
We really gotta wear capes to the bar more often...
I regret nothing
Not even Married Dan?
I regret one thing
Randomize
