On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
Life lesson: when driving and throwing up, choose a paper bag over plastic. Fuck my life.
I need to take "lollipop" off of every single one of my playlists cause it makes me wanna suck dick.
we need to stop having unprotected sex.
ya i know. we're like the secret life of the american whores.
One of my students just said I have "big mommy parts". Even third graders know that my tits are too big. God I love em.
I found her sitting in the shower having an argument with the dolphins on the shower curtain.
i'm drinking margaritas from a pouch...really dont think i'm in the position to judge anyone...
This would be a good time to bring up the fact that my spider-man fork is MIA
Due to your tardiness, I'm saving you my tab
Mainly I just wanna pet bunnies. And purple chicks. Well any color chicks if I close my eyes. But purple if I open them.
I ended up at home with a random bird sculpture and flowers
I mean I'm screaming I love the gays in the middle of Bart so yeah
just imagine me sitting naked on a toilet with a fully-clothed dude i havent seen in 2 years, trying to make normal conversation except that im covered in blood and he's helping wipe me down while i try not to pass out because blood makes me NERVOUS. And he's apologizing and i'm apologizing.
you're hired as official boob wrangler
Hypothetically speaking - is it bad if you get cut off at an airport bar at 11:30am?
Randomize
