So I made him an imaginary sandwich and told him that the day I didn't have to fake it, neither would he.
I've had cake for breakfast the past 3 days. You tell me how bikini season is going.
open bar reception. dayglow. pray for me
I found a ladder. I don't know where I am. Gonna climb it. I feel like aladin
Yep. How's your hangover?
It's like I fucked its sister and it's getting back at me.
So neither of us had a dollar bill and we couldnt find a straw so we spent all nite doing coke through penne pasta
I ripped the door frame off last night too. Just remembered.
I think I just got judged by the pizza guy. dude, you deliver fucking pizza. you need rethink YOUR life.
I think I fell in love with her when I saw her kick a freshman in the chest
its gotten to the point where if her hand isn't on my butt i think we're in a fight
Sneezing cum all over the table was not the highlight of the family reunion if that tells you anything
My aunt just dropped me off at the bar, handed me $50 and told me she'd pick me up later if I needed her to. I should've gotten my license suspended a long ass time ago lol
The cat was building a spaceship out of the carpet, my legs were cans of tomato sauce, and there was something else in that pot you gave me.
When I woke up this morning I swear my mouth tasted like dick and rolaids.
What's a sexy way to say balls deep???
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