i am so fucked up that i think i'm playing snood in my head.
well..are you winning?
Make note: the first date is too soon to make the "condoms are only for making balloon animals" joke.
When my kids ask how I lost my virginity Im going to have to tell them of a mythical thing called "Myspace" and how strangers could lure you into their "den of love" thanks to clever quotes and graphics
I can feel you judging me through the phone.
she's walking around the room telling people she can make the room move with her mind and then she shakes her head really fast yelling 'see?!'
they hired a photographer to take a family portrait for grandmas bday gift. we just hired a male stripper. we are def the better grandkids.
there is just no excuse for touching your mothers vagina.
I would like to apologize for asking to take advantage of you, wishing you a horny Hanukkah and whatever "abd ethw prnym to mzbe yur penis cna be friends" means.
It's official. I am the girl who threw up in the library. Hangovers and midterms do not mix.
I just stood next to my childhood self. Fuck, I'm really stoned...
What should I say back?
Well, how do you want the conversation to go?
Straight into my pants.
If, when you wake up, you're wondering why you're in the bathtub, it's because when I tried to move you, you yelled that that was cheating and tried to kick me in the face.
Fair enough.
I'm pretty sure I made out with a guy in a man thong.
I feel slightly un-patriotic right now... I just got cock blocked by the Air Force!
I just lost my handcuff virginity and not in the sexy way.
Randomize
