What. The. Fuck. No, you will not spank me.
That wasn't intended for you, my bad.
You were making dinosaur noises while jerking me off..
2pm: Breaking news alert: I think I'm finally sober. Oh, and that place needs hotter strippers.
We should have cut you off when you asked the can driver if you could ride in the trunk.
still finding ketchup in my shoes. thanks to graduation that is probably the last time ill ever say that..
I actually enjoy jerking off to her facebook more than I enjoy actually fucking her. Just something with our generation
So help me Jesus we're never drinking together again. But weekends don't count. Amen.
IT'S A HOLY FESTIVAL. A BUDDHIST CELEBRATION OF PENIS.
The upside of Thirsty Thursdaying with the client last night was that he was so hungover that he didn't want to spend time wrangling over the contract extension this morning.
Boss just said I'm getting a bonus for this. Want to celebrate our anniversary a week early tonight?
This is why I married you.
If Boring and Monotone had a love child, it would be this guy.
My roomate had an hour long melt down about her life choices not realizing I was in the middle of having sex... So yea it went pretty horribly.
Is it too far to say to someone "you're useless for everything besides sex"
Oh man I missed being single! Two different guys just sent me dick pics during my kid’s little league game.
You chipped your front tooth on the toilet bowl. Should I call your dentist?
you said it was a life or death situation, being your partner for beer pong doesn't count
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