you thought that fire hydrant was a midget...you gave it a hug and asked for a lollipop.
shotgunning a bud heavy is like shotgunning a turkey sandwich
smoking a cig and getting head on the last night of my cruise. and she doesn't mind that i'm texting you right now. this is now on my list of top 10 nights of my life.
you rubbed the head of my dick and said "I shall call you Squishy and you shall be mine and you shall be my Squishy."
Some guy seriously just got Jimmy Johns delivered to him at the graduation ceremony. This cannot be real life.
Right when he gets off the plane they're going straight to a party where you're only allowed in with a bottle of whisky and they are given bullet proof vests.
Yeah, I wouldn't mind getting fingered in the corner of a dive bar again.
We somehow managed to get the sumo-wrestler costume into the washing machine, but I don't think the cupcake icing completely came off... And it still smells like tequila.
But apparently I got kicked in the head by a stripper at some point
Accidentally gagged on my toothbrush and puked up a Walgreen's cheeseburger. 1) I am not going to be on top of my game tonight. 2) Since when do I have a gag reflex? 3) Walgreen's cheeseburgers are awesome.
Basically, what i'm trying to say is, if you don't have something, excuse or gift, to satisfy my anger i am going to look you in the eye and piss on the floor.
You were mean to me and you broke my heart and hurt my feelings. You dont get to talk to me about Peter Dinklage
My butt remains clenched, sir.
That butt dial turned into a booty call.
I woke up on the damn lawn again...it's not even summer yet
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