You were right, I'm so drunk and I want to eat the shit out of my vanilla cupcake candle it smells delish
Experience is the best teacher
so the sex was amazing up until the point where she said "wow, you're even better than your dad!"
hahahahaha your sister just walked down from the guest house with a stain on the front of her shirt and "owned" written in blue sharpie on her forehead. i dont think she knows what happened last night either.
If I started a story with "That three-year-old totally deserved it," would you listen?
I sat in the bathroom on the counter and gave out advice to all the random people that walked in
He just broke up w his most recent gf again, wish I could message her and be like it's not you he's gay.
Haha I haven't even had my interview yet and I'm already trying to fuck my way to the top. 'Merica.
Meant to have fun, ended up giving speech about consent to guy at bar. Feminist side feels happy. Orgasms side feels confused and betrayed.
Idk I'm sorry it's weird to ask for testimonials on your penis
Good, be his mentor. Like a tiny gay Yoda.
Oh, now I remember why I deleted your number. You're kind of a dick. Please delete mine.
just so you know they found you begging for money at the L station. What the fuck did you drink last night?
I have sent texts to the pizza delivery guy telling him he was beautiful. Oh and you almost got a ticket for pissing in public. And I smell like cheese.
I want you to worship my cock.
That's not how you start a conversation.
I've been in town for almost 36 hrs and I haven't made out with a stranger yet - I consider THAT a record!
Randomize
