Excuse me do you have gonnorhea?
do you ever just like the smell of your farts?
HER PREGGO ASS BROUGHT SPEGHETTI-O'S... IN HER PURSE.
Sign #1 that I'm not ready to be a mother: I'm shopping for "maternity fishnets".
I'll report later on the progress of the mountain orgy
you have a wonderful penis attached to someone I'm having a lot of problems with right now
My neighbor caught me peeing on his rose bushes at 2 in the morning while wearing my Santa hat. My sex appeal has never been higher.
Um...any recollection of peeing in the pantry
you 2 were alone in the living room and the dog walked in and you started yelling what are all these people doing in here
My roommate was being an ass so I put everyone's drinks/shots on his tab for the entire night. Then when we left he was telling me how he got out cheaper than last time.
spending today hungover and untagging myself from all the pictures of me kissing girls so grandma doesnt have a heart attack. how was your new years?
I found a picture of me as a little kid with nothing on except a towel covering one of my nipples and I'm glaring at the camera. Literally nothing has changed except I have boobs now
Is the Chairman of the College Republicans throwing upon your toilet right now? 'Murica!
Pretty sure we ruined a bachelorettes life last night
And you know what the worst part is? Because of him I can now relate to a goddamn Taylor Swift song. FUCK. MY. LIFE.
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