I'm so fucking pissed that I wasted my shooting star wish on him and his little penis.
She challenged me to a game of rock-paper-scissors for her virginity. I love this girl.
I just found out my favorite drunk show, Repo Men, is just reenactments. I can't express through words my disappointment.
Thanks for making breakfast. I usually have cereal and coffee...but i think margaritas and turkey sandwiches could catch on.
My mom is lecturing me about 'invaluable housekeeping skills' while I google 'cocktails involving gin' on my phone. I can feel the generational gap looming in her silent judgment of my choices.
I'd have paid money to see Cookie Monster playing with a vibrator
I was so stoned last night I got into an argument with your voicemail message.
Also you can't just sext a Michelle quote from Full House.
I've now fucked in every motel room in this small town.
Maybe they'll dismiss me from jury duty after they smell beer on me. You can't keep me in a cage and then give me an hour and a half long lunch break next to a beer fest and expect sobriety.
I wish I was there so i could bitch slap his incredibly sexy face
Okay she just told me to turn the volume down on the fan. What does this even mean?
Girl in front of me just swan dove into the middle of the carpeted hallway, stood up, clapped for herself, and then continued walking. My life is complete.
I was so drunk I got motion sickness from sex.
I just upped my southern womanhood. Taking whiskey and Kleenex pocket packs to the funeral.
Randomize
