Her tattoo has the intellectual profundity of snakes on a plane except you can't laugh.
He was singing Will Smith Just the Two of Us to his burrito. That high.
Always thought my first night in jail would consist of fire and a bunny suit.
I've spent the last ten minutes rubbing glue sticks on the wall
Dude i think i got lasagna in my eye
Why is it only times like these when I'm scrubbing the cum stains off my futon before my family gets here that I seriously begin to question my life choices?
There's a mouse. In the house. By the cans. With some pans. Release the cat. To eat his hat. Sorry about the mess. Of my breakfest.
No but seriously, there's a fucking mouse in the house by the beer cans
I put an asterick after the names of people in my phone that I've fucked. Both as a form of bragging, and also so I can actually remember all their names.
he could've at least fucked me twice. that's just common courtesy.
I inhaled my own vomit, how was your night?
He's the first man I've met that knows more about Harry Potter than I do. He shops at Goodwill and has a Game of Thrones cookbook in his apartment. This is my soulmate.
If I had a dick, I'd stick it in some Oreo pancakes
I admit it could have gone better but look at it this way, since I broke the urn you don't have to worry about spreading the ashes.
We will discuss everything tomorrow i presume. Including the sweaty naked tango.
Sunburned by dick at the nude beach. Bad. She tried to blow me. But. I. Just. Can't. Saddest day of my life.
Randomize
