I just put a condom on my dildo so i wouldng get another uti....most depresIng moment of.my LIFE
Oh i forgot. I hit on a mentally challenged girl too.
I woke up and peed for 26 seconds this morning. 26 seconds!
i hate this class. from the way they're all staring you would think they've never seen a girl in basketball shorts, heels and sunglasses.
Had to use the product locator on on the four loko website to find them at home. Got to go in the backroom of a grocery store to get them. Dedication.
she smells like cat throw up and cupcakes. i'm trying to focus on the cupcakes but it's really. hard.
honestly, i just want you to have sex with him too so that you can fully understand my appreciation of his dick as well.
I'm drinking too much free beer
Thats like saying one owns too many kittens. It's not possible.
I walked into a room this morning and someone asked how my back was because I apparently threw myself off the porch after attempting to set myself on fire. Who the fuck let drunk me play with fire?!
Better question: who the fuck planted a tree next to the porch?!
I'm definitely not at Wal-Mart eating jalapeno poppers with an elevated blood alcohol content
If I ever go to jail it will be because of you, I can feel it.
But I made it seem like I wasn't hungover at work, so that's a plus.
...blackout vacation is awesome. Where did you end up? I think i'm in Miami.
Hospital.
This is getting exciting. I almost wanna turn off all the lights, get some popcorn, and stare at my phone screen to see if she's going to say yes or not
And on a much sadder note, I'm way to drunk for this right now
THEY WILL NOT STOP FLINGING CARDS AROUND THE ROOM! It has been four hours. HOW CAN IT STILL BE ENTERTAINING?!?! I will be under the table if you need me.
Randomize
