i'm signing you up for texting rehab
Max was wondering if he could trade you sex for the use of your jumper cables
Chick took off her bra in the middle of class cuz it was "too hot." How's going out of state feel now?
So I have the professor convinced that the textbook will take another week to deliver. that should give me enough time to replace the cash i spent on strippers.
Your brother came in a girls mouth for the first time last night... Ah the tales told whilst buying minors beer.
woke up holding a soft boiled egg cup and empty bottle of rum. apparently i couldn't find a shot glass
Passing out is my livers way of protecting my mind.
I'll pay you to write the paper but not for sex. You should only get paid for something you work hard at.
She got called into work early but she left me a note that had directions to her roommates stash of weed on top of a two bacon and egg mcmuffins. I think I win.
I wonder how he feels knowing that he's the one who turned me gay
He called me at 4am to ask me to marry him, then threw up into the phone for 10 minutes.
Easter bunny might get some gnarly munches and not even have enought candy left to hand out
I'm still waiting for God to smite you for impersonating a decent human being.
It was a "have 911 on speed dial" kinda night
I gave him one of my famous hand jobs.
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