I stumbled into my living room at 4 a.m. to find him hurling my laptop across the room and his pants around his ankles. Clearly his night didn't go as planned.
at this point every shot is just a haymaker to my liver
looking back it was a good thing we were too wasted to fire up the chainsaw
He taped the number 420 over all of his clocks
I found my phone outside under the leaves by the curb. What the fuck did I do last night
All I want is for every tall lanky young guy who is reading in a Starbucks to go balls deep in me. That's all.
I don't think she considers it a date unless she publicly urinates
I'm two guys short from fucking the whole baseball team and one is gay. I will be successful by the end of this month.
pretty sure I just got a "sorry I have a new boyfriend" blow job. Confused, but totally ok with it.
Another beautiful Sunday, another beautiful day the stick is not positive. Amen.
she came into my car to rip lines with our blow dealer as I was writing my essay on anti drug policy, i call it on site research
Peeing in taco bell cups is part of the fun of going to taco bell
I had to explain to an ER nurse that I burned my dick playing onion ring toss today, your social awkwardness hardly compares.
Last time i cooked this high i tried to makw bacon amd then burned myselfbon the grill, only to realize 25min latwr when the bacon wouldnt cook that the grill wasn't on. I IMAGINED the burn.
i made that whipped coffee shit today. took six pouches of instant espresso.
please tell me you didn’t consume six shots of espresso
:)
i can feel colors
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