Remember when you weren't going to be a shit show?
I'm pretty sure there's seven mailboxes in the bathtub...
I wish the iPhone would register texts from 11:59 as "Last Year" instead of "Yesterday."
So for Valentine's Day...I finally swallowed. I feel like I earned that steak.
Just made my alarm the Lion King song. Too excited about waking up to sleep.
I hurt. I blacked out in a onesie. Reevaluation needs to happen.
Then he said something about how from that angle I looked just like his mom.
We were making condiment sandwiches, then her husband kept trying to get me to sleep with her. I hate being the only lesbian at the party.
Drinks appeared in front of me. Who am I to deny destiny? And by destiny, I mean free drinks, which appear by magic.
Something about getting whistled at in my work clothes while crossing the street with three Nuvarings in my back pocket feels wrong.
They want yo temporarily sterile ass.
YOU CAN'T JUST DO COKE AND THEN CALM DOWN
somebody went from crying while watching Full House, to a full on emotional raging bull...I love this time of the month
If it makes you feel any better they literally are drinking alcohol out of a toilet. They are serving drinks out of a nasty ass toilet...!
It's like sleep walking but with blowjobs
I told some guy on tinder, that apparently has a prosthetic leg, that I think we started off on the wrong foot. I hate myself...
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