Moving to Utah. Got sick of alcohol and have a severe wife shortage.
i just woke up and "where the fuck is taco bell" was in my search engine...
so explain to me why i woke up in jail this morning
because you opened a jar or pickles and a bag of fritos and layed down in the middle of aisle 7 while singing 'la cucaracha'
no more ever clear
By the way, turns out "Danny B" is his penis. Not his cousin. I was right.
You owe me $8 for the carwash I needed after you threw the salmon on my windshield.
The homeless guy out front said it's his birthday and he asked us to join him for happy hour after work. He's buying a fifth of gin to celebrate.
no, throwing your underwear at it is not the solution to everything
That is true. Vodka is like a dog. Always loyal, warm, and there for you when you need it
I've learned life lessons in Vegas. Mostly, drugs are cheaper than alcohol.
My goal in life is to ruin sex for someone. To be so mindblowingly unreal that they can never find anyone like me ever again. So far it's going well.
I feel like we have a good system here turning our sketchy decisions into great stories.
I found an industrial strength sharpie in the drawer so I started writing BONER JAM 2014 on everyone's foreheads so they kicked me out
We broke up. My life is now 7 inches less.
your fucking longboard fell on me while we were having sex you fucking hipster
I don't want to go to sleep. I like partying with myself.
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