I'm drinking while my friends build sand castles, now I know how my dad used to feel
he is not the type of person you only have sex with once. god adds years to your life every time you sleep with him.
I'm trying real hard to keep it on the DL how drunk I am at lunch with my grandma.
i sneezed during and he said it felt like i gave birth to his dick...then asked me to do it again.
Does saving a line for myself for the morning so I don't seem hungover at work count as responsibility?
Adult decisions.
So. Do you think marshmallow vodka in hot chocolate while eating a graham cracker would = s'mores?
In some strange universe, yes
You're too morally constrained. I firmly believe that you should be less concerned with how young she is and more excited by the fact that she's not jailbait by virtue of a legal technicality.
The cop actually kicked the bitches out of the cab so we could get ours. I flipped them all off as the door was shutting. That drunk.
I feel like a pizza delivery girl of vagina tho
You don't know scared until you've just begun the first stage of an acid trip till a guy on stilts with a creepy mustache and beard says "enter the Forrest"
I'm taking a pole dancing class this morning. Can I put you down as my emergency contact? I'm NOT putting my mother
Other than trying to finger me on the couch in the middle of the bar a few times, you were fine.
he left a full can of coors light underneath my windshield wiper, like a love note. if that's not husband material, i don't know what is
my nextdoor neighbor called me saying "um hey, your mom just stumbled into bed with me and my husband, can you please come get her?"
I woke up this morning and my house is covered in shredded cheese with my laptop open and a google image search for "awesome shit".
Randomize
