Apparently I farted on her in my sleep. Then, just to be sure she was cool, I did it again on purpose and she didnt say anything. So, WIN?
why do all the strippers look like they came from fraggle rock
I don't give a shit about soccer but I'm really excited about drinking at 7 in the morning
New game: Step 1) Turn on ESPN. Step 2) Drink every time someone says "LeBron."
Like if I don't roll around in my puke, the night will be a failure.
Accidentally spilled a drink on her roommates skirt, offered to clean it, and got a blowjob out of the deal. Something went horribly right.
Sorry I tried to blow your roommate in your room. I felt more at home there.
I don't think the best pickup line was. Hey I have never made a girl orgasm before but I'm sure it will work on someone like you.
I woke up at 4 am. Literally pissed. No idea what happened. I could have fucked a cow.
If your night didn't end with writing a witness report for the cops at a shwarma place, your night was probably less interesting than mine.
For new year's, we should just keep our resolution simple and keep accomplishing burpees in heels.... while drunk.
im glad to be known as "the girl you had sex with on a golf course"
A stripper choked me last night. Then I choked her. Now we're going on a date this Saturday.
You need a new phone. When you talk it sounds like the teacher from Peanuts while she's trying to give a blowjob.
Guess who won a basket of sex toys in front of his parents, aunts, uncles, sister, and cousin...
Randomize
