I am 90% sure the kid in front of me in class is picking his face spots, smelling it, and then eating it. That is a LOT of % sure for something like that.
Fighting the police is like screwing a fat girl, if I'm drunk enough I'll do it
in hindsight, the duct tape banana hammock was a bad idea.
Did I tell you I had a charge show up for $36 on a credit card I haven't used in 6 months from Wild Wings? It was that night we slept across the street from the bar.
i just sent him like 8 different sexts and he texted me back about how good the hummus is that i left in his fridge.
I could barely talk to the cabbie and I was text bombing everyone. They need to make an auto timer app to prevent people like me from belligerent late night harrassing. And I was seeing double... Prob would have tried to give your leg a bj and then fallen down the stairs.
I like the odds of his and my children being professional athletes too. To support me in my old age, see I do think about the future.
We're gonna have horrible, horrible babies.
Woke up this morning buried in a mountain of chex mix and bubble wrap. We must have been doing something great last night
And that's the fourth pair of yoga pants with unwashable stains from you.
I heard you were drinking whiskey straight from the bottle last night.
Actually I was drinking whiskey straight from 3 bottles, but that is neither here nor there.
How much do souls cost? I feel like I need one if those.
I'm going to bed early so football can come sooner
I'm standing on the corner in a banana costume and cape with frozen bananas in my utility belt reassessing my life decisions.
I don't know how to explain to you that you tried to recreate the bit from the Dana Carvey show where a guy dressed as Bill Clinton breastfeeds a bunch of puppies
Randomize
