We're listening to the crystal method and doing bong hits for jesus
How are you texting me from 1998?
Found my phone laying in a snow angel outside my apt this morning.
there was a sad and surprising lack of "did strippers and blow" in that sentence
This girl did not understand, once police sirens go on, road-head needs to STOP
Shit. We're going to have to drink until they're cute
Hello cirrhosis
Tonight when I'm getting a bj from a stripper I'm gonna imagine it's you bobbing down there
As long as you're naked and covered in glow paint, I'm there.
WHAT IS PROPER BONG ETIQUETTE FOR WHEN YOU'RE ALONE IN YOUR BATHTUB AND CRYING?
Stoned in some guys basement listening to ELO. it's like its 1978.
In other news it turns out I like Heineken.. In a desert island kind of way
I'm currently deliberating if I'm going to be too drunk on New Years to handle wearing false eyelashes.
my mom asked if I found my Easter basket. it's 1PM & I got home an hour ago from last night. if I'm looking for anything, it's my dignity.
did u drive by my house last night?
bc if that wasn't you i threw my bourbon bottle at the wrong van
When the stripper from this weekend is your cashier at Publix the next day 😐💀#pensacolaproblems
My ex gave me head because she said she didn't enough when we were dating... Best ex ever? I think yes.
Randomize
