It was my birthday today and i decided that i am not checking my notifications on facebook so ill feel popular
Wrong number and your a loser
so we told my parents we were going trick or treating. got high as shit at some playground. and then bought our own candy so we looked legit when we got home.
There are rumors he has a square penis....ill do anything though....
Thought I woke up to a girl giving me a handy. It was a male nurse inserting a catheter.
They're calling for 20 inches of snow but I'll have a dirtbike for emergency trips to the liquor store. Even if I crash it won't hurt.
at one point he was caressing me in the kitchen asking me my name over and over again and then asking what my favorite continent was
she asked him to cuddle cuz she was cold and instead he got up, moved the space heater to her side of the bed, and went back to sleep
Girl we've come a long way since our first Brazilian wax
She really is something else.
Words cannot describe what though. The best way to describe her is to say it like watching a bear and a whale have sex. You don't know why it's happening or how. But it's rather funny and you can't look away.
He called me at 4am to ask me to marry him, then threw up into the phone for 10 minutes.
I left the brick of cheese in your car! Keep it at Moderate Temp! It's my precious!
all I know is this drummer better stop eye fucking me while he plays cowbell. it is way too early for that.
Getting a blow job while breaking up with my gf helps cope with the pain... Kinda weird her best friend is giving me the BJ
My boss and I ended up at the same strip club. We both got lap dances while talking about work.
Christ, I'm so hungover I pretty positive I sent Luna to school with salsa instead of jelly on her sandwich.
Randomize
