He cooked the food on a paper plate in the oven.
so high driving around just saw a woman in a pink shirt chillin riding a horse
so high at work that a 35 year old with his kids handed me visine and winked at me. you win with the horse though
You don't give head? I'm offended and I don't even have a cock...
dude they were twins that means they were both only 17
Just wrote a paper about alcohol abuse that sounded like my weekend...
guess who's bored in chemistry researching how to sneak weed through airport security in her vagina?
Dude that girl I hooked up with Tuesday is in lecture. I told her I was from the Dominican visiting my cousin and was leaving the next day. Hiding under my hood and hangover.
It was the night of "what the fuck have you done with my daughter and where is she" texts from mom...
I mean I'm into guys with money but more into guys I'm actually attracted to
yeah i guess i'd rather he was hot than rich
wow i don't know if that qualifies as growing up but if it does i'm all in
sex, shower, sex, ice cream sandwiches?
Duck, Duck, Goose is now the autocorrect, safe for work version of fuck, fuck, loose.
My crotch smells like fire and I can't find my pants
Can I just go naked and covered in glitter?
Over Bumbled last night. I think I set my dog up on a date Sunday afternoon. I have to drive him, meet the other dog’s dad and secretly drink a bottle of champagne from a “water bottle”. This is not what I expected 30 to be like.
You're lucky I'm holding your vagina in my best interests
Randomize
