Jake died.
WTF????????? That's how you tell me????
Oops typo. Jake cried.
I think I took your hangover as a birthday present
he said i'm too pretty to suck penis
at a party and just made O-H-I-O out of dicks and vajayjays...i hope someone took a pic i was too busy (; GO BUCKS!!!
Mom wants to know why I'm bringing a blender back to college.... didn't have the heart to tell her she's paying a $20,000 tuition for us to make margaritas and sleep through class
still wasted. at home depot . just threw up in one of the demo showers. not okay.
is it too much to get a jumbo margarita in a sippy cup right now?
We just started the day with vitamin bombs. Daily vitamin + whatever's left in your glass from last night = feel like a champion
I just can't deal with that sentence
THERE IS A GOAT THERE IS A GOAT IN MY BED IT IS EATING MY THONG WHAT DID YOU DO
I can only send "I want your dick" texts to so many guys before I accidentally over-book myself. I need a day planner.
Why is there ANOTHER stolen fire extinguisher in my room? You know that's a felony right...
I woke up to a stripper (who added me on Facebook) messaging me reminding me to cancel my card if I can't find it
Was your bare penis on or around my blanket?
Some guy at the bar last night bought us Arrowhead water and I was so drunk, it tasted good
Let me call you later. I’m lining up some office dick now that working at home is ending
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