The only piece of furniture in the apartment is a wine rack.
you're being stingy. if you didnt want people to have sex on your couch, you shouldve specifically said so.
Miller High Life will be the death of me. Well, that and shower sex.
Tonight that bitch will not be with him. You will drunkingly talk him out of this wedding. It is your duty as the one with the least amount of soul. Good luck.
I could barely talk to the cabbie and I was text bombing everyone. They need to make an auto timer app to prevent people like me from belligerent late night harrassing. And I was seeing double... Prob would have tried to give your leg a bj and then fallen down the stairs.
For someone only wearing socks and a cast, I felt reallyy overdressed
I'm gonna take my bong and hot box the pirate ship in the daycare playground.
Why does every bad decision I make wind up having 1000 likes on YouTube?
I also turned off the Anchorman DVD start menu before cause I didn't want Will Ferrel watching me lose my virginity.
It's Friday the 13th and you just got boned by a guy named Jason....
WHAT IS WRONG WITH YOU
MANY MANY THINGS AND MOST OF THEM ARE YOUR FUCKING FAULT
I feel I should send an apology letter to my anesthesiologist.
Places I vomited today: hotel bathroom, in the cab to the airport, airport bathroom, airport terminal trashcan, plane seat 18E, and the plans bathroom
Fun wedding?
Yes. Very.
Oh god...Did I just fuck a sugar granddaddy?!
I fucked a French man last night. 5 Times. Ashed my cig in his cactus. That later set on fire while we were having sex.
Randomize
