Do you think Conan would leave his wife for me?
Holy shit. Do you realize what this means? Officially all of my ex-bfs are either dead or gay
i don't understand how she was down there for so long, she's like a mermaid, a blowjob giving mermaid.
Anne I just took two ambiens. I think my body is melting into my blow up bed. Like a stick of butter just slowly melting. And I'm alright. Don't be afraid. I'll be alright.
i looked at my phone and realized all i had said to her the entire night was misspelled variations of "NOTHING IS THE SAME" over and over. she eventually stopped replying.
The less fucks you give, the more fucks you get. Kinda like "a penny saved is a penny earned" but with vagina.
I came in and I guess my parents didn't hear me. My dad just said "Don't be lazy, RIDE IT." to my mom. Never coming home again.
Somehow I've got the party rigged to where I get a foot massage every time someone wants a beer out of the fridge. Hellz yeah
Also, just woke up in a Romney tank and sequin flag panties. Merica.
White girls? They're everywhere. In packs. Drunk white girl packs.
i found waldo and immediately set him to work eating me out. please have more out of season costume parties.
THIS IS A TERRIBLE REWARD FOR NOT GETTING PREGNANT.
WHO DOES THAT ON A TUESDAY? This is not a Drake joke, the girl doesn't turn up OR down. She doesn't do anything.
My hands smell like penis... I can't even remember the last time i touched a penis, but my hands say i did. Oh the mystery.
The day will come again young grasshopper. For now you must complete your training of patience and tongue biting
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