You smell like a Billy Joel song
so stoned i ashed in my jack and coke like 4 times. drinking it anyway
I wish you could order shots online.
I've only been here for an hour and I've already made 6 babies cry.
Happy Birthday
if you ever come into my room screaming for me to set up rockband at 4:45 am ever again i will kill you
I have no idea what i drank..i remember dancing and ass grabbing..u falling. Headbutts. Trying not to puke. And deja vu.
I mean thanks for the bj but i wanna forget everything that happened last night between 11 and 5
You described pouring milk in your strawberry cereal as a glittering magnificent water fall, skimming over the mountain and little strawberry citizens.
You just kept screaming "PLEASE YELL CORNDOG AT HIM. PLEASE. CORNDOG."
I just threw up vodka and hot dogs in a handicapped stall with someone in it who couldn't make me leave because he couldn't walk.
We got a noise complaint for vacuuming too much but not for getting really high and yelling about peanut butter
I just don't know how to say "I want to have sex you with before you graduate" in a classy way
They were out of watermelon smirnoff, so we got you a fifth of 5 o'clock and an actual watermelon.
it's like i'm your dad, but instead of reminding you to bring your lunch to school i remind you to take a good long hit from your bong.
It took me years of patience and pilates and yoga and flirting to land that penis. So yeah, I’m going to ride it into the sunset and live orgasmically ever after
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