New record: 45 minutes. Afterwards I played We Are The Champions while we cuddled.
I just named my vagina "The Boneyard"
More like "Chia Pet"
just threw the rents a curveball by making french toast and bacon when i came home sober. good luck tellin when im high/drunk now.
Not going out tonight. And so the 25 day drinking streak ends....
Just bought an airhorn. Bad things will happen.
I did, I'm just saying. Once the drinking starts my nipples are no longer my control.
I'm the fucking queen of sexting. I just made a blowjob sound so poetic I'm wishing I were a guy just so I could blow me. Learn from me.
So I wore a corset to school. Fuck laundry.
You lit a fire in my vagina no man can extinguish.
I tried to think of the best possible thing I could do for my 30th birthday, and the finalist is "get a clit ring"
I think one make out session at a bar per year is probably the best choice.
mcfuck me up
MCFUCK ME UP INSIDE
In other news, just had to pluck an ingrown pub with the pliers from my multi tool while sitting on the toilet at work.
Only I would get an underage 24 hours before turning 21.
How far are you from my house? Do I have time to masturbate before you get here?
Randomize
