i know we just met, but i forget your name, and i'm wondering why my penis burns?
As of tonight I have officially had sex during every Disney movie.
im pretty sure thats the first step to being a pedafile
Contrary to what peaches says, you can't fuck the pain away. Full story later. Have a good morning, buddy.
I don't think the TSA agent thought getting iced while searching my bag was as funny as I did.
at one point last night, you were literally auctioning me off. "reeeally drunk hot girl ! we'll start the bidding at an ice cold corona. oh, we have a bidder! do i hear a shot of whiskey? going once, going twice.."
youre welcome
The only word I understood in that whole setence was semen.
Day 8 of being sober: Sniffed an empty beer bottle at a restaurent and almost licked it. This is not working
He tried eating fireworks, to stop him being hungover in the morning. Where do you keep finding these people?!
the japanese bartender dressed as a cowboy in assless chaps just told me i was too drunk for another shot
guy next to me on the train just pulled out two bottles of gin and a block of cheddar. is slowly making his way through all of them.
He called me twice and texted me at 3am. Guess absence makes the dick grow harder.
You guys go ahead and have your romantic night. I'm gonna keep my vday tradition alive of angry banging a stranger.
Would it be weird to bake him a cake that says "sorry I peed on your bed"?
he kissed both of us goodnight when we dropped him off...I didn't know if I was more offended or impressed
Do you think the hole in the ceiling will count against our security deposit?
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