So I've been drinking and I told the bf about the gf he almost fell of his chair
I showered today. Officially upgrading myself to useless.
And then she said we stopped for a train and i tried crawling out the back window.. again, i dont remember this.
The bong broke. we're having a little funeral followed by an inaugeration service for the new one
we had you propped up in a chair and fed you donuts. i've never seen you happier
He shaved off his eyebrows. This is not my life.
He filled four shots of Everclear and walked around saying "FREE VODKA SHOTS". he is to blame.
Well would you like to come over anyway? I will be wearing sweatpants and disappointment. Also, I have Jack Daniels and I've managed to get drunk in under half an hour. But my boobs look awesome.
I told him finishing at the same time would be a long-term project. Like flipping a house. A sexual house.
All right, sex is off the menu for you. Now you just get friendship. So I can spend marginally less time being annoyed by you.
Ok, maybe playing "whose family is most dysfunctional" wasn't the best drunk idea we've had. Todd''s been crying in the bathroom for an hour. We can't get him out...
See, this is why you don't do nice things for people. You'll get stuck in the snow and you won't catch a dick.
My dog just ran downstairs with my vibrator in her mouth... during my dad's birthday dinner.
i just called dibs on the taxi driver at the bar that isnt drinking. im a grown up
Me and my dad hot boxed a hotel bathroom... That's what I call father son bonding
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